You know the types of people who always seem to have it together? The ones who consistently look effortlessly chic, walk like they are gliding on top of rainbows and their belongings always look brand new? Keep picturing that person…keep picturing…uh huh….uh huh….got the image, right? Okay, that’s not me. I have about as much in common with that person as Donald Trump has in common with knowing how to run a country. I could take two hours to get ready and still end up looking like I rolled out of a homeless shelter, I regularly trip over my own two feet, my cellphone is always broken and I lose my belongings more often than Donald Trump posts something brainless on Twitter. Welcome to the misadventures of my belongings. I actually need to pause typing this because my laptop is about to die and I can’t find the charger for it. To be continued…
Okay, I found it. Actually, I didn’t find it. I realized I left it in a hotel in Tampa, FL, so I had to order a new one online and anxiously await it’s arrival before I could finish telling you fine people about what an impressive human being I am.
While I am great at breaking and losing anything, I truly excel in breaking and losing my cellphone. How does one excel in breaking and losing their cellphone, you ask? I’ll tell you. You drive away with it on top of your car (more than once…in the same week), you drop [throw] it down multiple flights of stairs, you flush it down a toilet in a shitty hipster bar in Orlando, you have it in your purse yet SWEAR it isn’t there and run around frantically looking for it, or you just straight drop it in the Great Barrier Reef.
The most recent cell phone I lost (let me add that the screen on this particular phone was shattered from the mere excitement of me exiting a car) is the one that currently resides on an island in The Middle of Nowhere, Alaska. I worked on a boat out there for 2 months and we had about an hour and a half to get off the boat to Bushwhack/explore. That’s right, it takes me less than an hour and a half to be in public and lose my phone. I assume it fell out of my backpack while I was legitimately crawling through thick bush or sliding on my butt down a hill to get out of the thick bush. All I know is that this phone (with all of my lost Alaskan footage) better be starring in the next season of ‘Lost’. I went without a phone for two weeks before I finally got one shipped out to me and within 72 hours, that phone was also broken.
The story of breaking this phone REALLY sums me and the issues with social media up quite well…I was on a hike in Whistler, Canada and came across a beautiful waterfall. I probably could have just taken a photo of the waterfall and moved on…but no…I had to take a fucking selfie with the waterfall…because social media, am I right? Well, this scenario quickly became dangerous when I was really trying to get my best angle/hide any double chin action when I suddenly lost my footing. It was either I fall down the waterfall or drop my phone and catch myself. Naturally, the phone went-a-tumbling and there I hung with my arms clutching a tree as my legs dangled over the ledge of an extremely picturesque waterfall. As this was happening the man of my dreams showed up [took a picture of this fantastic scene] and then whisked me away to a better place. Just kidding, that didn’t happen at all because my life is certainly not a rom-com. Instead I was left to my lonesome to [not so] gracefully climb back up the ledge, find a detour down to search for my completely broken phone and be left with zero proof of said waterfall. I’ve since replaced that phone to simply drop it in a bathroom a week later and now have a crack down the center of my screen.
If you’re wondering if I have insurance on my phone…the answer is no, no I do not.
Along with losing my phone I am also remarkable at losing my wallet and it’s contents. A few years back I arrived in Bali alone and within 30 minutes had left my debit card inside of an ATM. My debit card has been replaced more times than I care to acknowledge and I actually think Chase Bank started printing cards on the spot specifically for me. I recently left my entire wallet in a café in Juneau (same week I lost my phone in Alaska might I add) and went without my wallet for two weeks. There’s that time I dropped my passport in the Hong Kong Airport and didn’t realize until I was trying to cross over the border into Mainland China at 1am. I quickly returned to the airport to find out Lost and Found wouldn’t open until the following morning. My friend and I made ourselves comfortable and slept in a restaurant booth at the airport. We were loudly woken up at 6am by a woman banging a wooden spoon on a huge cooking pot directly over my head. I thought she was rehearsing for an upcoming performance of being the Little Drummer Boy but it turns out we were sleeping directly underneath a sign that said “NO SLEEPING!” Oops.
I never know where my keys are either. I just don’t. Sometimes they’re in my hand while I look for them, sometimes they sit at the bottom of a public pool for two days until a friend of mine happens to swim across them, sometimes I accidentally put them in my freezer when I come home and there’s that time they ended up in a Christmas Decorations box in the middle of July. Don’t ask me how this stuff happens…it just does. I woke up like this. I recently googled whether or not there was an encompassing word to explain how often I lose/break things and the best the internet could come up with is “people who lose things are losers”. We all know the internet never lies, so there you have it…I am a loser. Thanks Internet.
Whelp, I’ve got to go look for my keys and wallet before I go out for the night. Wish me luck.
Until next time,
P.S. – In the midst of writing this blog, the battery in my phone mysteriously stopped working and I had to replace my phone. I wish I was making this up.